SHIPPING AND RETURNS ARE ON US - MORE DETAILS
SHIPPING AND RETURNS ARE ON US - MORE DETAILS

THE BIG PICTURE:

Sex on the Beach: is it Worth it?
 


An investigative look into the pros and cons of going deep by the ocean.

By: Kate Wells | Illustration: Spencer Pidgeon

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It’s as timeless as Madonna, and as puzzling as the US Republican candidacy – a question we frequently ask of the world and ourselves is this: “Is sex on the beach a good idea?”

The obvious answer is “no” given the amount of sweat and sand that joins (let’s be real) an already messy equation. But sometimes when swayed by the nostalgia of the coast and the sound of the crashing waves, even the biggest skeptic can be sucked into the climax of summer love.

We interviewed a carefully selected panel of anonymous sources to get the dirt (so to speak) on their experiences by the sea. And while results of our survey were inconclusive, our panel did provide some entertaining anecdotes to aid your decision if you find yourself in a similar sandy position.

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SUBJECT 1 – THE LIMP FISH

Our first fornicator came home from university to spice things up with her long-distance boyfriend – and what could be naughtier than a seaside tumble just steps from her parent’s house, in broad daylight? The act started smoothly with some sun bathing before they went in for the deed. Events took a turn for the worse after she realized her terribly awkward boyfriend was not made for this kind of PDA. Refusing to take off his swim trunks, or let her take off her bottoms, she says, a sort of horrific origami ensued. After flopping on top of her and failing dreadfully, they called it quits – both on this, and the relationship. Shortly after, she threw that dead fish back into the sea.

Worth it or not? Definitely not.

SUBJECT 2 – THE REPEAT OFFENDER

Our next interviewee has been a water baby from day one. Growing up on the coast of British Columbia in Canada, hearing the whispers of legends past, she believed sex by the beach was a skill you could eventually master. This outlook has since changed after many failed attempts to consummate by the great blue wide open. The real issue? West Coast Canadian beaches are rough – navigating around pebbles and debris is a treacherous task, leaving the shards that have to be removed from your back, knees, booty (name your body part, it will suffer). While these rocky shores have been written off, the verdict is still out on finer shores like Bermuda where the sand is better equated to memory foam.

Worth it or not? Location, location, location.

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SUBJECT 3 – THE PRISON BREAK

Our last confessional came from a Brit living in Dubai at the time. After flying a potential suitor into town for a long weekend, they decided to spend their last hours together lounging at JBR Beach – the UAE’s equivalent to Miami Beach, filled with locals, ex-pats and out-of-towners. In the late afternoon – and the peak of beach traffic – they went in the water and started fooling around, fueled by the realization they wouldn’t see each other for six weeks. The catch? Two other ex-pats were serving two years in jail for being caught in a similar situation. The solution was to be far enough underwater that the act was concealed from the beach. (Yes, we are also confused by the mechanics of this.) Talk about an ending with a double-release.

Worth it or not? 51% yes (for the story), 49% no (for logistics).

In summary: whether it’s lacerations or incarceration, sex on the beach comes with inherent risks, but you will always have a story to tell when the debate surfaces next – and we guarantee it will. Our advice? Tap carefully.

Women’s and men’s suits to keep on, or take off – your preference.